Years ago, I read an interview with James Taylor. Now, there are things in James Taylor's life I don't admire, but he is a wonderful artist who cleaned up his life and established good relationships with his children. He once said something profound to one of his children who complained about his travel schedule. He said, "Dad loves his work." That meant so much to me. I was able then to explain to my own children that I would never ever leave my best beloveds except for something very important, something that mattered so much I would be miserable without it. In my case, it's my writing. And thereby, I gave them permission to grow up and do something they love, even if it means occasionally having to disappoint people they love even more. I gave them permission to leave me, when it's time, with the understanding that it's never forever.
As a mother of three children, now adults with families of their own, I too sweated out my publishing career while trying to micromanage their young lives. And here is what I know for sure. If I had spent as much time enjoying them as I did worrying about them we all would have been better off. If I had understood that they were proud of me instead of thinking they hated me for leaving on a book tour, my eczema would have eased. If I had appreciated the independent streaks they were developing instead of criticizing their methods they would have enjoyed greater self esteem. And mostly if I had not woken up every day on a guilt trip I would have experienced the euphoria I felt but feared would make me look selfish. So take my word. They will be fine. You will be fine. And one day perhaps you too will be reading to a precious grandchild when their mom or dad says with pride, “Did you know Gigi writes books? Only hers are way better.”
Truth be told, there's no such thing as balance when it comes to work and life. It's all about being fully present in whatever role and moment you're currently in. I've always loved working and have told my kids this. They see on TV how "work is so hard or bad" for many people but I truly love what I do. They've been watching me since they were tiny, tiny humans working hard to get to where I am today and they know I do all I can to ensure I'm present for them but that my work also means sometimes I need to travel. I plan everything ahead, just as you are and communicate it all to them. They know where I'm going, when I'm leaving and coming back and what for. I think it's a great example for them to see that work can be really enjoyable and not a total drag if you love what you do. Also, whether they say it or not, they're proud of you. My son cried for a long time yesterday when my book arrived. He said he was so happy to see it finally in real life and was so proud of me. He also said "I've never had a mom with a book before." (yes, I'm his only mom!) I travel a lot less than I did when I was in corporate and they were literally babies, so I feel less guilt now because they can fend for themselves and I can actually communicate with them when I call. I don't think any of this is impossible. Tough at times for sure, but you've got this. I'm here to cheer you on and remind you that you're doing a great job...as a mom, a writer, a publisher, a business owner, a wife, a friend, a woman.
I don't know if these are wise words or not, but in everything you do, say, and write, it's obvious how much you love your kids. If a stranger can see it, you can bet your kids feel it every second of every day. AND, you're succeeding professionally, achieving personally, and seemingly very happy, if a tad exhausted. If that's not having it all, I don't know what is. Enjoy!
The surprising truth is that your kids want you to work, although the youngest may not be able to verbalize that yet. They want you to be happy and they know that you're happiest when you're expressing the creative side of yourself too. I'm an older mom, twin 12 year old boys, who started as a lawyer and now will be a first time published author as well. (Yea!) When I talk to my friends' kids who are now young adults, they ask this question if their mom stopped working to raise them: "Why? Was she a good ____? What was she like when she was working?" And then they always end with this: "I wish she hadn't stopped working. I think she would have been even happier." Your kids won't remember the few nights you were home late, couldn't tuck them in, couldn't make a performance or game, but they will remember your happiness and joy to be with them AND be following your heart's dreams. They will be proud of you too.
One last little tidbit that's been helping me as I'm starting to put a toe in the water is bringing a kid along to a book event -- but only one kid at a time. They feel super important, special (because it's just them, alternating kids of course), they even have some good ideas about marketing, etc. (scary) AND mine are not even well- behaved! Makes me feel less guilty too and I think they learn some neat things about how the world works. :)
It takes a lot of bravery for you to share your sentiments, and you do so with wisdom, heart, and clarity. Your kids are lucky to have you. I’m you they have an amazing role model for love and honesty.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I would love to share so many thoughts and commiserate with you about all the uncertainty of your career choices. However, the moment our “almost” 30 year old son called me to share that “I came out of his mouth” when he was talking with a friend about choices….he said, “before I knew it I just blurted out - By not making a choice, you have made a choice”. Those were words he heard from me way too many times. All those late nights of arguing about homework timelines, and putting away laundry, just melted. I knew that I modeled behaviors and words that he somehow absorbed. He was a better friend for seeing me nurture my employees and spend time helping them be the best they could become.
I think we all think of balance as something that needs to happen right now, when it's a much bigger picture than just today. You had 11 yrs of being with them every second of every day. They're getting ready to fly free from the nest and you're getting back to yourself. It's all temporary and necessary and beautiful. Grateful to you for sharing so openly with us.
The report card is when they are launched that they want to hang out, come home, visit and be with you. And yes, that you have raised kids that you love to be with too as young adults who are good humans doing what THEY love. It just keeps getting better even when they leave and there’s a hole in your heart. Promise! (Oh and the competing schedules? That! Don’t even get me started. Hurts my head to think about it. Like an endless puzzle for years and years. My husband and I had to have Sunday evening scheduling meetings to be sure we could cover all of the driving and carpools for the week until they could drive themselves!) And yes, 4 kids is a lot! I know that too. A lot! And another huge “report card” reward is seeing them love and rely on each other as young adults which they do!
I am in that SAME boat with you! Doing my calendar Tetris game today. Trying to fit it all together - kids, school deadlines, sports practices, games, holidays, writing time, my husband’s travel schedule, my travel schedule, family travel, appointments - some pieces just won’t fit or overlap. It is hard to balance. Actually, I don’t think of it as balancing, I think of it as juggling. My mom says to determine which of the balls you’re juggling are glass and which are rubber. You can’t drop the glass balls. They get the most time and attention. Things like your health and your family. The rubber balls will bounce if dropped. You can let them drop as needed. Even juggling doesn’t always work, but I feel like I do way more juggling than balancing these days. Hang in there! You’re doing an amazing job!
It's so hard. I struggled with the same things while raising my kids (and published my first book at age of 46). I think most of us probably second guess our parenting and life decisions. Wouldn't we all be sociopaths if we didn't? Kids, man. It's never easy. And then I struggled with the same (but still vastly different) scenarios when I came out. Will they someday see and appreciate the example of their mom living an authentic life, or will I just break them with my selfishness? They're 27, 25, 23, and 21 now, and they're all amazing humans, making their way in the world. The kids are alright. Yours and mine both. XO
Love this. I think you're absolutely right -- we need to show them that we thrive when we are who we're meant to me and that they will, too. Excellent reminder. And bravo, you!
I try to tell myself it is the 80/20 rule unless it is something major. I asked my kids recently if they were ever upset when I missed a practice or game. And do you know what they said? "I don't remember you missing any." Maybe this tour is your 20% hope to see you! :)
As Pippa Jones would say, “The important thing is to keep writing. Keep showing up for your friends. And keep prioritizing your family. The rest will all fall into place.” ❤️
Your kids want to see your success, too. You're a great mom and you're showing them they can be successful with letting them see your success. Hard choices, for sure. But, they know you love them and they will welcome you home with love.
I think mother and guilt are synonymous. It's a fact; it just isn't in the dictionary. The challenge is how not to let the guilt get the better of you; to hold on to the memories of all the times that you were there for them; and hope that when they are adults they will say thank you or something close to it. Take care of yourself, Zibby. Luv, Loren
Years ago, I read an interview with James Taylor. Now, there are things in James Taylor's life I don't admire, but he is a wonderful artist who cleaned up his life and established good relationships with his children. He once said something profound to one of his children who complained about his travel schedule. He said, "Dad loves his work." That meant so much to me. I was able then to explain to my own children that I would never ever leave my best beloveds except for something very important, something that mattered so much I would be miserable without it. In my case, it's my writing. And thereby, I gave them permission to grow up and do something they love, even if it means occasionally having to disappoint people they love even more. I gave them permission to leave me, when it's time, with the understanding that it's never forever.
Love this. Thank you.
As a mother of three children, now adults with families of their own, I too sweated out my publishing career while trying to micromanage their young lives. And here is what I know for sure. If I had spent as much time enjoying them as I did worrying about them we all would have been better off. If I had understood that they were proud of me instead of thinking they hated me for leaving on a book tour, my eczema would have eased. If I had appreciated the independent streaks they were developing instead of criticizing their methods they would have enjoyed greater self esteem. And mostly if I had not woken up every day on a guilt trip I would have experienced the euphoria I felt but feared would make me look selfish. So take my word. They will be fine. You will be fine. And one day perhaps you too will be reading to a precious grandchild when their mom or dad says with pride, “Did you know Gigi writes books? Only hers are way better.”
This makes me cry. Thank you!!!!
Truth be told, there's no such thing as balance when it comes to work and life. It's all about being fully present in whatever role and moment you're currently in. I've always loved working and have told my kids this. They see on TV how "work is so hard or bad" for many people but I truly love what I do. They've been watching me since they were tiny, tiny humans working hard to get to where I am today and they know I do all I can to ensure I'm present for them but that my work also means sometimes I need to travel. I plan everything ahead, just as you are and communicate it all to them. They know where I'm going, when I'm leaving and coming back and what for. I think it's a great example for them to see that work can be really enjoyable and not a total drag if you love what you do. Also, whether they say it or not, they're proud of you. My son cried for a long time yesterday when my book arrived. He said he was so happy to see it finally in real life and was so proud of me. He also said "I've never had a mom with a book before." (yes, I'm his only mom!) I travel a lot less than I did when I was in corporate and they were literally babies, so I feel less guilt now because they can fend for themselves and I can actually communicate with them when I call. I don't think any of this is impossible. Tough at times for sure, but you've got this. I'm here to cheer you on and remind you that you're doing a great job...as a mom, a writer, a publisher, a business owner, a wife, a friend, a woman.
Michelle, I absolutely love this. And am so proud of you and your new book!!!! Can't wait to get a copy. I love all of this.
I don't know if these are wise words or not, but in everything you do, say, and write, it's obvious how much you love your kids. If a stranger can see it, you can bet your kids feel it every second of every day. AND, you're succeeding professionally, achieving personally, and seemingly very happy, if a tad exhausted. If that's not having it all, I don't know what is. Enjoy!
Haha, you don't see all the cracks under the surface! And yes, they do know I love them!!
You’re a great mom! (Whenever someone says this to me, I say, “Thanks - that’s what every mom wants to hear.”) 😊
Hahaha. Thanks!!
The surprising truth is that your kids want you to work, although the youngest may not be able to verbalize that yet. They want you to be happy and they know that you're happiest when you're expressing the creative side of yourself too. I'm an older mom, twin 12 year old boys, who started as a lawyer and now will be a first time published author as well. (Yea!) When I talk to my friends' kids who are now young adults, they ask this question if their mom stopped working to raise them: "Why? Was she a good ____? What was she like when she was working?" And then they always end with this: "I wish she hadn't stopped working. I think she would have been even happier." Your kids won't remember the few nights you were home late, couldn't tuck them in, couldn't make a performance or game, but they will remember your happiness and joy to be with them AND be following your heart's dreams. They will be proud of you too.
Thank you!
One last little tidbit that's been helping me as I'm starting to put a toe in the water is bringing a kid along to a book event -- but only one kid at a time. They feel super important, special (because it's just them, alternating kids of course), they even have some good ideas about marketing, etc. (scary) AND mine are not even well- behaved! Makes me feel less guilty too and I think they learn some neat things about how the world works. :)
It takes a lot of bravery for you to share your sentiments, and you do so with wisdom, heart, and clarity. Your kids are lucky to have you. I’m you they have an amazing role model for love and honesty.❤️❤️❤️❤️
Awww. That's really sweet of you to say.
I would love to share so many thoughts and commiserate with you about all the uncertainty of your career choices. However, the moment our “almost” 30 year old son called me to share that “I came out of his mouth” when he was talking with a friend about choices….he said, “before I knew it I just blurted out - By not making a choice, you have made a choice”. Those were words he heard from me way too many times. All those late nights of arguing about homework timelines, and putting away laundry, just melted. I knew that I modeled behaviors and words that he somehow absorbed. He was a better friend for seeing me nurture my employees and spend time helping them be the best they could become.
I love this!!!!!!! Thank you.
I think we all think of balance as something that needs to happen right now, when it's a much bigger picture than just today. You had 11 yrs of being with them every second of every day. They're getting ready to fly free from the nest and you're getting back to yourself. It's all temporary and necessary and beautiful. Grateful to you for sharing so openly with us.
True. Necessary and beautiful. Love.
The report card is when they are launched that they want to hang out, come home, visit and be with you. And yes, that you have raised kids that you love to be with too as young adults who are good humans doing what THEY love. It just keeps getting better even when they leave and there’s a hole in your heart. Promise! (Oh and the competing schedules? That! Don’t even get me started. Hurts my head to think about it. Like an endless puzzle for years and years. My husband and I had to have Sunday evening scheduling meetings to be sure we could cover all of the driving and carpools for the week until they could drive themselves!) And yes, 4 kids is a lot! I know that too. A lot! And another huge “report card” reward is seeing them love and rely on each other as young adults which they do!
So true -- when I saw one kid coaching the other through something hard last week, I literally got tears in my eyes!
I am in that SAME boat with you! Doing my calendar Tetris game today. Trying to fit it all together - kids, school deadlines, sports practices, games, holidays, writing time, my husband’s travel schedule, my travel schedule, family travel, appointments - some pieces just won’t fit or overlap. It is hard to balance. Actually, I don’t think of it as balancing, I think of it as juggling. My mom says to determine which of the balls you’re juggling are glass and which are rubber. You can’t drop the glass balls. They get the most time and attention. Things like your health and your family. The rubber balls will bounce if dropped. You can let them drop as needed. Even juggling doesn’t always work, but I feel like I do way more juggling than balancing these days. Hang in there! You’re doing an amazing job!
Thanks, Kristen. I know you get it!
It's so hard. I struggled with the same things while raising my kids (and published my first book at age of 46). I think most of us probably second guess our parenting and life decisions. Wouldn't we all be sociopaths if we didn't? Kids, man. It's never easy. And then I struggled with the same (but still vastly different) scenarios when I came out. Will they someday see and appreciate the example of their mom living an authentic life, or will I just break them with my selfishness? They're 27, 25, 23, and 21 now, and they're all amazing humans, making their way in the world. The kids are alright. Yours and mine both. XO
Love this. I think you're absolutely right -- we need to show them that we thrive when we are who we're meant to me and that they will, too. Excellent reminder. And bravo, you!
I try to tell myself it is the 80/20 rule unless it is something major. I asked my kids recently if they were ever upset when I missed a practice or game. And do you know what they said? "I don't remember you missing any." Maybe this tour is your 20% hope to see you! :)
Excellent! Will rely on their shoddy memories!! ;-) ;-)
As Pippa Jones would say, “The important thing is to keep writing. Keep showing up for your friends. And keep prioritizing your family. The rest will all fall into place.” ❤️
Okay, now THAT is amazing. Getting advice from the character I created who got me into this mess. ;-) ;-) THANK YOU.
Thrilled to help! xx
Your kids want to see your success, too. You're a great mom and you're showing them they can be successful with letting them see your success. Hard choices, for sure. But, they know you love them and they will welcome you home with love.
Thank you!
I think mother and guilt are synonymous. It's a fact; it just isn't in the dictionary. The challenge is how not to let the guilt get the better of you; to hold on to the memories of all the times that you were there for them; and hope that when they are adults they will say thank you or something close to it. Take care of yourself, Zibby. Luv, Loren
Thanks, Loren. Excellent advice!!